Chapter Nine
Marriage Counseling and Important Issues to Address
The pastor performs a marriage ceremony after due counsel with the parties involved. The decision to perform the ceremony shall be the right and responsibility of the pastor in accordance with the laws of the state and practices of the Church.
Marriage counseling will focus on the theological, spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, and social issues of marriage. The session or sessions shall deal with any past issues or present expectations that could hamper the marriage. The pastor assumes that the couple has read the booklet and may discuss issues contained in it.
Marriage counseling is intended to be a positive time for the couple to examine important issues. Counseling should be approached with openness and in a prayerful manner.
Theological and Spiritual Issues
Before marriage couples should discuss religious issues. This booklet has outlined the important Biblical foundations and understandings of marriage. Reading a book, having an ordained minister preside, and holding the wedding ceremony in a sanctuary or religious setting, will not insure that a marriage will last.
Religious considerations are important. One could say in this regard, "What you see is what you get." Do not expect marriage to convert one partner to the religious views of the other partner.
Religion, or lack of religious affiliation, speaks to a persons ultimate system of values. Religious differences can very well be the cause of conflict in a marriage and a family. The more one's faith means to a person, the more that person needs a spouse with similar system of belief.
Conflict may occur when the husband and wife are of different religions, different denominations, different perspectives, or even different levels of adherence to religious values. Religious differences (for example if one partner is Christian, and the other Jewish), could lead to conflict over which religious holidays are celebrated and how the celebration takes place; where the couple will worship, if they wish to worship together; and in what faith the children will be raised. Pressures on the marriage for one partner to convert could come from either side of the family. These conflicts and pressures could eventually lead to resentment and anger. If a compromise is reached, it is never equal.
There can also be important differences when the husband and wife are Christian, but are from different denominations. Worship styles and belief systems vary between denominations. Though to a lesser extent, the same conflicts and pressure exist in this situation as in the case where the husband and wife are of different religions. Such is the case as well with different religious perspectives (e.g. charismatic, fundamentalist, conservative, liberal, etc), and adherence (committed or nominal).
Emotional Issues
Again, the rule-of-thumb is "What you see is what you get." Do not expect marriage to mature a person or help a person grow out of emotional problems.
Each person contemplating marriage should carefully look at their own family life and that of their prospective spouse. The role models a person has for the relationship between husband and wife will either indicate the patterns a person will follow in his or her own marriage or will indicate the fears and concerns a person brings into a marriage.
Serious emotional problems should be addressed prior to marriage. A spouse should know if his or her prospective partner has a history of emotional problems or has issues with which he or she needs to address. Marriage often will worsen a person's emotional and psychological challenges.
Physical Issues
Physical and medical differences from types of diet to hereditary conditions are important points of discussion. A prospective spouse should be aware of the challenges of any handicapping conditions and be aware of how to deal with them. Hereditary conditions could have an impact on whether or not a couple decides to have children. Other concerns such as dietary, smoking, and drinking habits may be overlooked during dating, but may cause conflict or concern within a marriage.
Financial Issues
Finances are the greatest source of continuing conflict in a marriage. Bringing excessive debt into a marriage should be avoided. The rule-of-thumb is "What is mine, is ours." This applies to liabilities as well as assets.
It is strongly recommended that all couples should develop a disciplined and equal partnership in dealing with the finances of the family. Furthermore, a couple marrying in their twenties should not try to obtain everything all at once.
Here is a basic and general guideline for financial planning by a young couple:
1. Determine who will be the bookkeeper for the family.
2. Wait three days before making any large purchase.
3. Do not open any new credit card accounts and close all current credit card accounts.
4. Establish an emergency savings account with the first goal being the accumulation of $1,000 and the second goal being three two six months of expenses.
5. Pay off all debts using the "snowball" effect - setting a monthly amount paying minimums on all but the smallest, then when the smallest debt is paid, using that amount to accelerate payment on the next smallest.
6. Establish a savings account for purchasing a house. Do not purchase a house unless there is 20% of the purchase price in the account. When purchasing a house, get a 15 year fixed mortgage.
7. Do not buy any new cars. A car is not an investment. A car begins to depreciate when you sign the purchase agreement. Vehicles loose 60% of their value in the first four years.
8. Establish a budget under the following guidelines: For a couple with a net spendible income after taxes and tithe of $32,445 ($45,000 gross) 30% for housing, 13% for food, 12% for automobiles, 5% for insurance, 5% for debt reduction, 5% for entertainment, 5% for clothing, 5% for savings, 4% for medical and dental, 5% for investments, and 5% for miscellaneous expenses.
Children are expensive. If a couple waits until they can afford to have children to have children, they will never have children. Besides one another, the greatest blessing a couple can receive is to have children. Raising children requires creative ways to budget resources, but by God's grace a family will thrive.
Children
A couple should enter into marriage with some general understanding about the timing and number of children, though there are always pleasant surprises along the way. There may be children from a previous marriage that will be incorporated into the family immediately. Custody and relationships with prior spouses need to be understood and approached in a mature and non-competitive manner. Couples who cannot have children may want to adopt.
Social Issues
Several social factors will need to be considered prior to marriage. Racial, ethnic, and language differences will need to be considered. Religion has already been discussed, but couples should also discuss educational levels and expectations for themselves and any children. Career choices are also important. Entertainment and recreational choices also need to be examined.
The couple should seek social activities that bring them closer and support their marriage. A special basketball game with the guys or an occasional night out with the girls may be a welcome change of pace, but activities in which the spouse cannot or will not share will create a sense of separation. One must remember the two are made one.
Legal Issues
Each person should be open and disclose and past or present legal situations. Though a "police check" is not suggested, it is important to be open and honest. Any legal entanglements that could damage the marriage should be shared.
Expectations
No one wants to live in the past, but often times we do repeat the past in our relationship. The past is our starting point. Our expectations are the goal. In between is the journey. In order to commit to another person for the journey of marriage, one must have a good understanding of who that person is.
The best advice is: "No surprises!" Information shared prior to a marriage is much more easily understood, forgiven, and assimilated than the same information one-year or ten years later. Secrecy suggests a lack of emotional commitment to a relationship. Trust is critical to a marriage. A husband and wife should have a complete trust in one another. Trust begins with an open and honest sharing of past issues and present expectations.
Expectations for Commitment and Fidelity
Recent studies have suggested that men and women bring into their marriages different expectations concerning fidelity based on roles each played in primitive society. Men tend to place a high value sexual fidelity in their wives. Men also tend to seek out younger women and sometimes numerous relationships. Women seem to place a high value emotional fidelity in their husbands and will often seek unions with stable, powerful, established, older men.
Leaving aside the moral issues involved, one can see how these conflicting expectations arose in primitive society. The primitive male sought assurances that the children of his mate were actually his offspring. In addition, in a primitive society a family's children provided workers, hunters, and warriors. The dominant male of the family would seek to produce as many offspring as possible to increase the chances for survival of the family. The seemingly contradictory goals of the primitive male, therefore, were sexual fidelity to him from as many unions with productive females as he could support.
The primitive female, however, sought assurances that she and her offspring would be secure. She would seek out the strongest and most powerful male who would be emotionally committed to her and her children. Even as the lines between roles of males and females become more blurred in modern society, we can still see these primitive values and expectations exerting themselves. Men and women are different!
Christianity has a higher standard of conduct and commitment than simply what as evolved from primitive societies. A Christian marriage is a partnership between a man and a women who are lovingly, equally, and fully committed to each other, having given themselves completely to the other in a Christ-like manner.
Expectations for Communicating Love
In The Five Languages of Love, Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that because of past experiences and examples within their own families, individuals express love and understand how love is expressed to them in different "languages." He outlines five primary languages of love - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. It is important to understand the different ways in which love is expressed and understood by each partner in a marriage. Learning to express your love to your husband or wife is critical.
One spouse or the other may understand love in terms of Words of Affirmation such as compliments, expressions of gratitude and appreciation, praise, or affirmation. Positive words, both written and spoken, are highly valued by these persons and make them feel loved.
A partner in a marriage may understand he or she is loved through quality time or the giving of one's undivided and focused attention. They may feel loved most in quiet times of togetherness or quality conversation. Eye contact, not conversing while doing something else, refusing to interrupt - these communicate the spending of quality time.
Maybe a husband or wife will feel loved by receiving gifts. Gifts are symbols of love and have emotional value beyond any material value. A gift need not be expensive, but should be a gift of the self to the other. Physical presence may be a gift in itself.
Acts of Service may be the way by which a husband or wife feel loved. Acts of Service are those things that your spouse would like you to do. These acts could be simple things such as letting out the dog, mowing the grass, or balancing the checkbook.
Finally, Physical Touch may be a means by which a partner understands he or she is loved. Physical touching in a marriage range from sexual intercourse to holding hands. A hug during a crisis, or an embrace in a moment of joy all speak love.
Of course, we can see that each language should be spoken and heard in a marriage, but each of us has a primary language. It is important to learn the language of our husband or wife and to become fluent. We must learn to say, "I love you."
Questions to Ask and Answer
Theological, Spiritual, and Religious
1. Where will we worship and how often?
2. What religious holidays will we observe and how will we observe them?
3. How will the children be raised?
4. How do we view God's role in our lives and marriage?
5. How do we view the role of the husband and wife in making religious decisions?
6. What external pressures will religious expectations cause on our marriage?
Emotional and Psychological
1. What was the past family life of each person?
2. What were the roles of the father and mother in the family?
3. Are there any emotional or psychological issues in the past or present?
Physical and Medical
1. Are there any physical conditions that may have an impact on the relationship?
2. Are there any handicapping conditions for which a spouse will need special training?
3. Are there any dietary differences?
4. Does either partner smoke or drink excessively or have any addiction?
Financial
1. Who is the bookkeeper?
2. Are there any debts coming into the marriage?
3. What are the financial goals of our marriage?
4. Will we be one income or two now and when we have children?
Children
1. How many children would we like to have and when should we try to have them?
2. Are there any children from previous relationships and what impact will that have on every aspect of our marriage?
3. Would we consider adopting children?
4. What is the role of the husband and wife in raising children?
Social
1. Do we face any challenges related to race, ethnic background, or language?
2. What are our educational levels and could this be a source of friction?
3. Do we understand each other's career pattern?
4. What do we enjoy doing together?
5. Are there any activities that would exclude or cause separation?
Legal
1. Are there any present or past legal situations in which either persons finds himself or herself?
2. Are there any previous marriages, alimony payments, or child support payments?
3. Is there any situation that needs to be explained now before the marriage takes place?
What Your Grandmother Would Tell You
Premarital counseling in its essence is simple. It is advice that your grandmother would give.
1. What you see is what you get.
2. What is mine is ours.
3. Children don't fix marriages.
4. Do not surprise me.
5. Men and women are different.
6. Learn to say, "I love you."